can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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