Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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