Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
