her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
