mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
