I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
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I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
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Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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