it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
