Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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