Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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