I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I puked a lego.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
