Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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