I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
