moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
