just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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