You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
