I just made out with a guy for $7.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
