My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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