I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
