I think I won the penis lottery.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
