i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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