I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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