So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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