I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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