i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
