turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
