a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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