I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
