Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
