i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
