The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
