mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
