What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
