did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
