My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
