i don't like sucking hair
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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