i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
