i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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