No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
