apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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