I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
