Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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