The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
