u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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