Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
