he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
