new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
