On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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