I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
