From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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