I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You are a genius and a whore.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
