i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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