i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
