literally had 100 drinks last night.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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