life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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