You made me cry and you don't even care
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
