to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
