Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
