i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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