I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
