Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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