I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
