he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
