I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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