umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
