Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
